into the deep

October 15, 2008

I can hardly believe that we are in the final months of 2008. This year has been a defining year in my life. And it’s not because I reached an important goal I had set, or completed any major undertakings. I wouldn’t even say that I’m a better or stronger person or have more faith than ever before because of this year. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I feel weaker, more vulnerable, and with less faith than I can remember. This year has been defining for me in the sense that I have learned some hard life lessons about this life and this walk of faith.

I guess it happens for most people at some point in life… Young people usually don’t understand because you don’t learn these lessons until you really have to face some challenges. For example, what do you say to the person who has been diagnosed with a rare illness that is so excruciating they can no longer function normally? They have done everything they can think of to seek and believe for their healing. It’s been years, their finances are gone, the pain and disappointment is unbearable. Yet they are doing all they can to believe for healing. What do you say? What about the lovely lady in her 50’s that wanted to have a family of her own, but the time passed and that never happened for her. She makes do and tries to enjoy the life she has. What can you say? I met these people this year. I felt their pain… I felt my own.

I don’t have the answers. But here is what I have learned this year. I learned that you can do everything right, and things still may not work out. You can even believe with all your heart and do everything the Lord instructs, and a promise may still end up lost in sin, unable to be fulfilled the way it was originally given. Why am I writing this? Why do I sound so down, so hopeless, so seemingly lifeless and faithless?

Well, I have come to understand that there are periods of time like this in probably most people’s lives. Times where nothing is working out, no matter what they do, try or believe. Times when faith, hope, even love, are ostensibly elusive. What is one to do during times like those? The only conclusion, the only answer I have to any of this, is to still hold on to the Lord with any fraction of a strand you may have left at the moment. No matter how angry, how frustrated, how even bitter you might be. How can I even say that? Well, here’s my perspective on it: what’s the alternative? To blame God for things, turn our backs on Him and serve the devil? We either serve God or the devil, there is no in between. Never! Never will I knowingly serve the devil, and risk ending up being tormented by him for an eternity in darkness, away from the love and light of my Daddy Who made me. And please don’t see this as condescending by any means. This is just real. I had to make a choice. I either endure whatever comes and keeping loving Jesus.. or let the other one win…. I'm also saying I can understand now how people can get to that point and I have so much compassion for them.

You see, on my darkest nights this year, when I didn’t know if I would make it through the night, times when the fear was so great it was unbearable and I prayed for the Lord to go ahead and take me, I later saw in my mind’s eye that my Jesus was sitting right there beside me. He was with me, concerned for me, stroking my hair. He did allow me to face the fear and the trial and sickness, but I never faced it alone. I’ve never had to face the darkness without Him. The other thing is, my trial is not over yet. There hasn’t been a happy ending as of yet. Things still haven’t worked out in a lot of ways. So I hope that knowing that even while still in my trial, I choose to stand for my Lord, my Daddy, that I say no matter what, I will not turn away from Him because I want to be with Him for eternity, will impact someone. It’s often easier to say it after it’s all over with and things are better. But this year I’ve learned that holding on to the love of my Daddy no matter what is the most important thing I can do. This life will be over soon… and I cannot wait to be with Him in the eternal city forever. No more struggling, no more trying. We’re always trying to do something, finish school, find a good job, lose weight, get married, have a baby, raise kids, pay off debt, save money, network, it goes on and on. Always trying, trying, trying. I can’t wait for it to be over! And if we can finish the race with Him, we will have our reward~

May you sense Daddy’s overwhelming, all encompassing love today….